Strength

Today I tested my strength.  I've been in school for four months.  My summer muscles have gone the way of my callouses, just as they do every school year.  But now it's Christmas break and I get to help Dad with chores.  I helped one other day last week, but that was mainly driving the tractor.  Today I actually worked.

Usually I help out more over Christmas, but this year I hadn't been feeling well for about two months (it turns out I have bronchitis), so I've been taking it easy.  Today, though, I was raring to go!  Chores started with feeding grain, as per usual.  We aren't a big operation, so we feed by hand (well, actually it's by bucket).  After the first two pails full of grain, I wasn't too sure I'd make it through chores, but I pushed on, trying not to think about how much strength I've lost in the last little while.  After feeding the grain, Dad and I fed a double portion of straw and hay to the cows so we would have fewer chores tomorrow.  My skills with the bale fork on the tractor are a bit rusty, but other than that I managed to get through with my pride intact.  When we'd finally finished up with all of that, we drove into the bush and cut some firewood for our Boxing Day get-together with Dad's family.  Dad cut an old tree up and I hauled the wood to the Ranger.  By then it was time for lunch.

Over lunch Dad talked about all he had to do yet today.  When he mentioned chopping the firewood and loading it on the truck, I said I could do that.  I've done it before, after all.  So after lunch I put my warm clothes back on and got down to work chopping the wood.  I was a bit apprehensive to start.  In years past, it has taken me a ridiculous amount of effort to get a few chewed-up, slivery blocks of firewood.  I expected I'd wind myself pretty fast and have to let Dad finish up.  That didn't happen, though.  This year I somehow found the right technique, that perfect swing of the axe that sends the two halves of the wood flying out to either side, split perfectly in the center.  Who knew it was so easy?!  But I digress...

Why is it so important for me to be able to do these things on my own?  Why do I have measure my strength each Christmas break to see how much I've lost while I've been in school?  I've always been a  very proud person (and I know that's not a good thing), and for most of my life I've been able to take pride in the fact that I can work past people's expectations of me.  Having been born with certain physical limitations, I was always working to keep up with the other kids and I was generally pretty successful at that.  It wasn't even all that difficult, especially as I got older.  Soon I developed a competitive spirit that drove me to want to be one of the best at everything.  Of course, no one can be the best at everything, but I still took pride in at least being able to keep up with those around me.  To this day, without even really thinking of what I'm doing, I always expect myself to keep up with the people around me.  Unfortunately, these days my companions tend to be grown men who are used to working year-round on the farm and I forget that they just are stronger than I am.  Sometimes I think I would work myself into delirium if no one noticed and stopped me.  I remember some friends of mine almost prying a shop broom out of my hands and telling me to stop after we'd cleaned out a barn once.  I was just trying to keep up with the boys.

It's a terrible thing to take pride in physical strength.  It makes me keep going long after I really ought to quit.  When I lose my strength, I push myself even harder, trying to prove, even if only to myself, that I still have what it takes to farm.  Worst of all, looking to myself for strength takes my focus off of God, who is the source of my strength, both physically and emotionally.  Psalm 46:1 says, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" (ESV).  I ought to remember that before I get myself into trouble by relying on my own strength.

When I was born, my dad named me Valerie, which means "strong one," because he knew I would need to be strong to fight my way through the difficult days ahead.  I made it through, but not on my own strength.  I made it through because God gave me His strength and I will continue to make my way through life with God's help, and not on my own strength.