What I Mean When I Say, "I Don't Need You"

I'm currently watching a movie, completely unhindered by thoughts of homework or studying.  Oh, it's glorious to be finished with my exams!  In the movie, two characters are arguing and the woman tells the man who was sent to protect her, "I don't need you."  I've seen this movie before.  She will be proven wrong rather soon.

I cannot begin to count the number of times I've said or thought those words, or words very similar to them.  And, like the woman in the movie, I am often proven wrong, whether the person I'm talking to is a man or not.  I'd like to talk about a few ways that I say, "I don't need you," and what I really mean when I say it.

1.  No Words
Often I'm afraid to ask to for help because I am either not comfortable with the people I'm around or I don't want to be that person that needs help all the time.  So, even though I don't really want to do whatever it is that needs doing, I just go ahead and do it myself.  With one of the volunteer activities that I do on a weekly basis, I usually need something from the top shelf of the church pantry.  I don't come close to reaching that shelf from the floor.  Even though there are generally at least one or two six-foot plus young men helping out, I almost always drag the rather rickety step stool over and get whatever I need myself.  The guys tell me they can do it for me, but by the time they realize what I'm up to it's usually too late.  I worry that sometimes I make them feel unneeded or unwanted.  That's not what I'm saying at all.
At the beginning of the semester my actions meant, "I don't know you well enough to ask for help."
Now my actions mean, "I don't want to take advantage of you."

2.  "No, no.  I've got it."
This is usually what I say when someone offers to help me do something completely normal, like my friends offering to help with the dishes when I have them over for supper.  This one's pretty simple.  I'm not so much saying that I don't need help as that I don't want help.  That sounds a bit rude, even to me, though, so I say, "No, no.  I've got it.  You just let me worry about that."
These words mean, "I've got a system and it's easier to do this without you."

3. "I can do it!"
This is usually said on a sob.  The best example I can give is when my dad asks me to close a gate or lift something or spread the harrows or back up to the trailer.  I get upset when I discover that I'm not tall or strong or skilled enough to complete the task.  When Dad comes to my rescue I get even more frustrated because I figure if Dad asked me to do it, I should be able to do it and he shouldn't have to do it for me.  In my frustration I choke back my tears of insecurity and take out my frustration on my dad (or whoever else is trying to help).  I shout, "I can do it!" and keep trying to complete the task until the rescuer either pries the thing out of my hands or orders me out of the truck or tractor.
When I yell, it means, "I'm embarrassed that I can't do this and I think I should be able to and I want to cry out of frustration, but that would be even more embarrassing and I don't know what to do about all this!"

4.  "I'm okay by myself"
I say this to my teachers a lot.  They see me working alone on a project or in a lab that's really best done in a group or with a partner and ask if I want them to find me someone to work with.  I'm 22 years old.  It gets a little embarrassing when the teacher feels the need to find me a group.  Because I take some first-year classes and some second-year classes, it has taken me longer than most of my classmates to get to know most of the people in my classes.  Being a rather shy individual, I generally don't ask anyone to work with me simply because I'm too chicken to ask.  So I work by myself and wish I had a group or partner because I really do like working with others.  It gets lonely at times.  This, I realize, is no one's fault but my own.
When I work by myself, it usually means, "I wouldn't mind having a partner, but I'm afraid of being turned down or becoming an annoyance, so it's easier to work on my own."

5. "I do NOT need a man!" 
I've said these words many, many times, but never in front of an actual man until earlier this year.  Usually I've said or thought it when someone tells me that I need a husband (because then he could do the farming and I could be the good wife that my neighbours tell me I could be).  Depending on how well I know and respect the person telling me this, I will either say or think, "I don't need a husband," very emphatically.  This fall I had a few friends over to my place for a meeting and I had just warned one of the guys to be careful of the chair he was sitting in because it was a bit tippy and I hadn't found the time to fix it yet.  The other girl in the room said something about me needing a man to do that for me and without thinking, I snapped, "I do NOT need a man!  I mean...no offense to you guys..."  They all looked a little surprised at my vehemence and I silently swore to myself that I would be guarding my tongue extra carefully in the future.  Now, I certainly wouldn't mind having a husband to do things like that for me, but the idea that I'm not capable of doing it myself rather irks me.  Catch me on a bad day, and I will snap at you.
When I say this, I mean, "I know it's easier for a man to do this and I would like very much to have a husband to do it for me, but I don't have a husband and I'm not about to throw myself on the mercy of some poor unsuspecting friend of mine who's just here for supper.  I'll do it myself because I'm pretty sure I can."

Now that I've explained some of my basic vocabulary to you, I'm hoping you won't be using it against me.  Most of the time I don't even know what I'm saying or meaning until later, when I've had time to think it over.