Looking Forward

Most people who know me know that I'm a planner.  I'm organized and efficient and I don't really like to get off-track.  For years I've been able to look ahead to the future and say, "This is what I want to be doing next week, next month, next year, five years from now, etc."  My plans don't always turn out quite like I thought they would.  (According to my high school self, I should be teaching a high school math class right now.)  Even so, I can usually see where it is that I'm headed.

Right at this moment, though, everything ahead of me looks...empty.  There are no plans, not really.  Oh, sure, I'll be going home to work on the farm this summer and then I'll be back in Olds for my last year of college come September.  I'll graduate next spring and then go home and start to take over the farm.  That's my skeleton plan.  And that's about all I've got.  I can't figure out what any of that is actually going to look like, which is strange and unnerving for me.  I could list off the classes I'll be taking next year or talk about how involved I'll be in the IVCF group on campus, but even those are sort of scary unknowns.

Why?  Why can't I see ahead like I used to?  Maybe I've gotten wiser in the past few years and have learned not to count on my plans so much.  I mean, since I started post-secondary school I've changed my major or program four times!  I'm far from the person I thought I'd be, even back in September.  Besides, things can change quickly on the farm (or not at all), so farm life is all about being flexible.  Maybe I'm mellowing out in my "old age" and starting to let go of control in certain aspects of my life.  No.  That can't be it.  I still like being in control of my life and rather panic when I'm not.  Maybe...maybe I've finally started to understand that all the plans in the world don't mean a thing without people to share the future with.  I've starting building relationships, friendships with the people I've met here and I've begun to realize that I actually want them in my life.

There's just one problem.  They're leaving.  Not all of them, but a lot of them are graduating and moving on to other adventures and I can't imagine a future without them.  I can't imagine not having classes with them.  I can't imagine walking into Bible Study and not seeing their smiling faces or (in the case of the guys) their crazy antics.  Worst of all, I can't imagine meeting anyone new.

When I imagine my classes for next year, I see myself sitting with a lot of people who are in first year this year.  These are people that I didn't really get to know as well as the second years and somehow I can't imagine knowing them better, although I'm sure I will.  When I imagine Bible Study and other IVCF events, I see myself walking into a room with just a few people who are still around next year, sitting in a big, otherwise empty, room.  When I think about going to church I imagine sitting alone, much like I did at chapel when I went to school in Edmonton.

The logical part of my brain scoffs at those imaginings.  I know there will be other people who will come and somehow worm their way into my life and my heart.  And then there are those who are coming back, who have already become my friends.  Even so, when I look ahead, the future seems rather lonely at times.

That's what surprises me.  I've left people before and have had people leave me.  I've made friends and then left simply because it was time to leave.  The actual parting was often a bit uncomfortable, but I never really regretted moving on.  Now that it's once again time to say good bye to some dear friends, I find that this time it's different.  What did they do to me?  They made me care.  And now, like the Grinch, I'm...feeling.

The strangest part about all of this is that, even though I'm feeling a bit sad and sort of scared, I'm feeling excited, too.  Even though I can't imagine meeting anyone else or making any other friends, I know it'll happen.  Yes, looking forward will be a tad depressing at times, but it's also exciting.  I don't think I've ever really experienced that before.  I guess that's what happens when you let yourself open up to people.